Who’s in Control of My Life?

Who’s in Control of My Life?

When you get older there comes a point where you realize that you exist. What I mean is, you realize that you are a human being that can make his or her own choices and must provide for yourself. For even more of an explanation watch this video. 

I think most people get this awareness when they leave home for the first time, typically for college. We are responsible to make sure that we are eating food, getting loans, and most importantly: doing things that make you happy. What I’ve been thinking about recently is whether or not I’m happy and who controls that.

I think that I’ve discovered that school and academics don’t make me happy, sure I love learning new things but I’d like to do it on my own time, on my own pace, and with classes that I specifically choose. At my school (please tell me how it is for you) we have foundation classes that everyone has to take, then an integration level, and then classes specifically for your major. With foundation it includes math, English, speech, and a wellness class-pretty specific. Integration you have to pick classes within six different broad topics- art, humanities, social sciences, history, and natural sciences. Then, of course, you have your own major requirements. Aren’t I at a point where I should be able to take classes that specifically interest me? Why do I have to meet someone else’s requirements? I should be able to set up my own so that I can get the most out of my college career. I am so much more likely to skip or show up and not pay attention in the classes that don’t interest me yet are required. 

This is where the crazy sets in and I just want to be in charge. The next step or idea is to drop out. But if I do that, what am I supposed to do then? I don’t have any crazy talents or been pursuing one certain goal my entire life. So get a job, Emily? Most jobs that I am interested in and would make me happy are jobs that require a degree. It is an endless circle and I just can’t seem to win. Society should not be able to dangle my happiness in front of me and give me no control over the matter. 


3 thoughts on “Who’s in Control of My Life?

  1. Hope I don’t sound like a major creep, but I saw your comment on Hannah Hart’s WBC: “The War of Art” video and really identified with it so I decided to come over here and read this, which subsequently led to me watch all three of Dan’s existential crisis videos as well lol. Anyways, my thoughts on the matter above:

    I completely identify with what you are going through. I feel exactly the same way. Currently I’m at a private university in America, should be feeling blessed and happy with life and working hard and all that “good” stuff, but instead I can’t bring myself to do my homework, work hard, or be on time for class (or go at all in more than a few of them). If I’m paying such a butt ton to attend this school, and most career fields don’t particularly care what you get a degree in just that you have a four year degree, WHY MUST I deal with all of this stuff that isn’t relevent to me??!?!! I get that if everyone got to more or less choose whatever classes they’d like until they earned enough credits to get a degree people would just take super easy classes and fly by, but I just don’t want to feel so limited. I feel like some arbitrary social structure is dictating my life, which is an extremely paralyzing feeling. I too am tempted to just drop out and start doing what I actually want to do- however, in my case it doesn’t require a degree. What stops me is the fear of something going horribly wrong and then I’m left without this thing that the work force deems necessary to do well. I want a degree for that sake, but I can’t help but feel I’m wasting my time with stuff other people have decided is important instead of things that are important to me.

    Sorry this turned out to be quite the rant, but all that to say that you are most definitely not alone in feeling this, I find your writing both insightful and articulate, and try to do what is best for you. You are worth the effort of working hard to live the best life you think there is. Thank you for sharing this, it and the videos have really lifted my spirits in terms of realizing I’m not alone in this. It’s weird, I would prefer answers, but community feels far warmer than what the answers would it seems.

    1. No, no, no not a creep whatsoever! That’s what the internet (especially the YouTube community) is certainly for! Ah yes the three Dan videos. I remember really identifying with the Meaning of Life video so maybe that’s what I’ll write about next.

      I know what you mean. I can’t motivate myself. I can hardly motivate myself to get out of my bed in the morning. There’s a text post on tumblr that says, “what really sucks is when you know you should be doing something but physically cannot bring yourself to do it no matter how important doing tat thing is.” That is so true. I don’t understand why places you work don’t care what degree it is as long as you have one. My major is kind of difficult but not too bad, there are probably much easier ones at my school. I totally understand the choices, but my main problem class is my public speaking one. I literally get panic attacks about having to speak in front of people yet I am required to do this to graduate. If you don’t mind my asking what do you want to do? I am Arts Management major and once someone hears the word art they immediately think failure. I agree it’s kind of the major of lost dreams for some people, but a lot of them do it to be able to promote and manage themselves more. I don’t know anything about accounting-I have to take a class. People don’t realize that something like this is a true and serious major. Which is infuriating. So it is kind of like a cushion or a just in case, which is good, sometimes. But also totally understandable and irritating, how our society works.

      You have no idea how happy your kind words made me. This is something I’ve always enjoyed but have been constantly told that I am no good at. Thank you so much. Yes just knowing that there are so many more people out there brings about a certain comfort level. You can always turn to me. I’ll always be on the internet- giving my opinions and advice. That’s a promise.

      P.S. I saw your comment last night but have been waiting to get on a computer so that I could properly reply.

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